The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to
work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... then you finish off as an orgasm."

Laws Of Combat

1. You Are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous--it draws fire (that's why aircraft carriers
are called bomb magnets).
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5 second grenade fuses will burn down in 3 seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall
short.
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13. The important things are always simple.
14. The simple things are always hard.
15. The easy way is always mined.
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18. Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
19. Friendly fire, isn't.
20. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. Beer math is 2 beers x 37 men = 49 cases.
23. Body count math is 2 guerrillas plus 1 portable plus 2 pigs = 37
enemy killed in action.
24. Things that must be together to work usually cannot be shipped
together.
25. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
26. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
27. Tracers work both ways.
28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire.
29. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
30. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have
more than your fair share of objectives to take.
31. When both sides are convinced that they are about to loose, they
are both right.
32. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of
amateurs.
33. Murphy was a grunt.

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

THE OUTBACK AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER DICTIONARY

Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Windows - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Murphys Law of Computing.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

After the other day's worldwide strike of the "I LOVE YOU VIRUS", reports are already coming in that the virus is mutating into several stages.
Within the next few hours, expect to see:
The original "I love you" virus
The "I like you a lot" virus
The "You're nice, but I just want to be friends" virus
The "Its not you, its me" virus
The "Look, it was just a date...don't get clingy" virus
The "Okay, I think its best if we don't have anymore contact" virus
The "It was late, I was drunk, you were easy" virus
The "Stop calling me, you unfeeling prick" virus and finally,
The "That's it, I hate you and your stupid dog" virus
Plus:
The "No, I Ruullllyyyy Like You" Virus ... usually hits around midnight
The "You're Beawfullll ....." virus .... usually hits about 2am
The "Nothing has to happen. I just want to wake up with you in my arms" virus ..... careful, it's a sly one.
The "You're OK but I was wondering if your friend is single" virus
The "Of course I'll phone you ... Now do you want me to call a cab for you?".......... hmmm, that'll hit anytime between 3am & noon.

Now you know Jack Schitt.

any jokes u would like to see added please email me at [email protected]

cheers n happy fraggin Cat Ü~